my dad can tell i’m drunk but he’s not calling me on it bc like he knows i’m jsut sorta fucked up bc the bff dog i’ve had for seventeen years (for those of u counting that means i got her when i was like three maybe four years old this dog has been wit me my hwole fuckin life p much) has just died so yes i am goin 2 drink a lil bit thank
dad’s a bro thanks 4 not callin me out bro-dad dude-person
This is a compilation of goats and sheep screaming at people and it is by far the best thing I’ve seen all week
I lost my shit at 1:24
wow we just watched this and it was the best thing that happened all day
I completely lost it at the high pitched screams
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
Dear past me,
I’ve noticed you’ve been hanging out on Tumblr recently. That’s bad, because right now, I really wish I had a story finished. Instead, I only have the first five paragraphs, which you write in in a fit of inspiration. You can change this, of course. Put your fingers on your keyboard and make words come out. I’ll be really grateful.
Your future self.